December 18th, 2008 by David.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand
up!”After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”_______________________________________________________
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
____________________________________________________________
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in
class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
____________________________________________________________
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture
him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his
picture?”
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December 18th, 2008 by David.
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Have you already seen these? Pretty dang funny - and true! How does he know this stuff?
Subject: JEFF FOXWORTHY ON THE PACIFIC NW
I thought Jeff Foxworthy did Southern humor but he seemed to nail this one…
The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash
3. Use the statement “sun break” and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to church.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “WALK” Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow, or has not recently erupted, it’s Not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto’s.
10 . You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Haceta, Yaquina, Yachats, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of Mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, “The mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you Can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks On.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in the same day.
28. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
30. You understood these jokes and will probably forward them.
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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> Grandma
>
> Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
> aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
> prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
> elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones,
> do you know me?’
>
> She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
> since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to
> me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
> talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when
> you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more
> than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
>
> The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
> the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
> She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was
> a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
> He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice
> is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
> his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
> know him.’
>
> The defense attorney nearly died.
>
> The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
> quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
> I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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Missing HusbandHoward was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife Jane was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10
seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Howard got up early and left for work. When
Jane woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her
robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house.
Jane opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Howard has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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Dear Internal Revenue Service, Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the ‘Presidential Election Fund,’ as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5′ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5′ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I loo k forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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YEAR’S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2007
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Maybe THIS will motivate the little devils!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is …
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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1} Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
‘98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded,’Hardly worth going home, is it?
_______________________________________________________
2} Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
_______________________________________________________
3} The nice thing about being senile is you can hide
your own Easter eggs.
_______________________________________________________
4} I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s
license.
_______________________________________________________
5} I feel like my body has gotten totally out of
shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________________________________
6} An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’
_______________________________________________________
7} My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________________________________
8} Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________________________________
9} It’s scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffee maker.
_______________________________________________________
10}These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, ‘For fast relief.’
_______________________________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I
do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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Rules At last a guy has taken the
time to write this all
down Finally, the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty
good.)
We always hear ‘ the rules’ from the female side. Now here are the
rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all
numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If
> it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
> You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it
> down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let
> us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
> hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
> every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you
> want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is
> what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
> the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
> want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do
> it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
> not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
> mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like
nothing’s
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to,
> Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
> fine… Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such
> topics as MOTORCYCLES OR POLITICS.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.
> Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you
> know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
December 18th, 2008 by David.
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This Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher “I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The Water Representative says “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
“YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!”
